Life and other Mischievous Things...

On loneliness and lost opportunity...

2007-10-31T15:58:00.000-07:00

Ok so I think I just need to blog to get this out because right now it is really getting to me.

I miss it. I know I shouldn't miss a relationship, especially one where I found out some very questionable activity. But it is so hard. Today was supposed to be the end of the hardship. Our chance to make things better after his work schedule finally calmed down. I spent almost this entire month waiting for today. Waiting for things to get better and my faith to be restored in relationships. But we didn't even make it to this point.

Part of me is still waiting. I hear the secret prayers my breath whispers that this is all just some horrible mistake or dream. That little hopeful part of me just won't let a breath go praying for something positive to happen.

Now I do want to clear up that this isn't necessarily a "I want him back" prayer. It is a prayer that says I hope I can find another person who is worth my breath. Because to be honest, I don't normally get too attracted to people who are worth me. I have a serious problem "adopting" wounded animals instead of going after people who will also be good to be in return.

The hard part is just missing the companionship. I'm still working on making friends, but it always stinks when the main person you hang out with is suddenly just gone. And that is basically how my life has been for the last few months for one reason or another. He wasn't just the guy I was dating... he was the main friend I got to hang out with. And now when I get bored and long for someone to hang out with I realize that my list is quite bare.

So while I have been doing a good job at letting go of the relationship side, it is the friendship side that is the hardest to let go of. It is rare that I make friends with people who WANT to hang out with me. I normally have to be the person to start a conversation, come up with some plan to hang out, invite everyone, etc and it was nice to have a someone who contacted me and wanted to see me and hang out.

I suppose this just furthers the whole realizations on what I need and don't need in people in my life (both romantically and friendship-wise). I need to find people who are worth it, instead of following my trend and finding people who I think I can help and doing everything I can to convince myself that they are worth it.

Fire: The Divine Spark of Change

2007-10-26T09:50:00.000-07:00

"Some day, after we have mastered the winds, the waves, the tides,
and gravity; we shall harness the energies of love.

Then, for the second time in the history of the world, man will have discovered fire."
- Teilhard De Chardin

Fire is something that certainly can't be avoided lately. As southern California is lit ablaze it has made me think. I admit that I am one who finds meaning in the most random of places. One who sees the omens, lessons and signs in the beautiful world around us. I am not one who believes in coincidence on a grand scale, as I see each coincidence is all part of a giant web of purpose designed to connect our lives to all the possibilities that exist.

For example, I take it as no surprise that these fires happened shortly after a horribly unsettling break up by someone I began to care for. If I were in the relationship, I don't know if I would have opened that special part of me up to the world and really thought about the fires and come out of it with the lessons I am now beginning to see.

Fire has always been a greatly spiritual thing. Sure today it is commonly thought of as a quarter of the basic elements, but in history its position as such was often debated and changed culture to culture. Some saw it as above water, earth and air. Fire was a divine spark that existed within everything. Harnessing fire was one of humanities greatest achievements, but understanding it has always been far from complete.

Flames purify. They burn off impurities and reconnect us with the divine spark within ourself. Some even claim that the fires of hell were for this reason... to purify the souls of the sinners to either experience the hells more or to eventually given them a chance at salvation. Burning land also was a way to purify the land and add nourishment to the land.

This is what I need. I think I have needed these flames. Sure I don't want to sound callous, I feel very bad that these fires have destroyed people's property and disrupted so many lives, but perhaps that is the point. We ignore so many things in life maybe we need our lives to be disrupted so we can pay attention to things again.

One of my earliest memories is being fascinated by a cartoon that had a phoenix in it. A creature that was birthed by flames died in flames and repeated this process forever amazed me. Through the years, I have always felt a kinship with this bird. Many times I have invoked this and tried to create massive change in my life by deciding to putting things to rest and allowing myself a rebirth.

I think now is another of those times.

It is finally time to let a lot of things in my past go. Time to release them into a holy fire and allow them to be put to rest, freeing myself from things I have held onto for much too long. I know I have been asking for great changes in my life, but I now realize I also have been not allowing them to happen. I have been allowing myself to be tied down to the past to the point of not letting myself go through the metamorphosis I have needed.

But hey while everything else around is burning down... I think it is time to let those ropes holding me back go up in flame too. It is time for man (and me) to rediscover fire.

Letting Go...

2007-10-23T15:45:00.000-07:00

Funny how that little phrase seems to encompass my life right now and yet I mean it in both a positive and negative way. I guess that just goes to show the amazingly interesting beauty that is intrinsic in language.

But I digress... this entry isn't so much about the beauty of the language and communication in general, but instead about the experience of why this phrase relates to me right now in its multitude of ways.

The first is that I think I am finally learning to let go and not be the amazing ball of responsibility and stress that I am. I am slowly (so very slowly) learning how to just have enjoy life and have fun without being so caught up in everything. I had the pleasure of going out the other night and drinking enough to be rather tipsy and just enjoy the night, and it was such an eye opening experience. I realized how much I stop myself from enjoying life because I feel like I have to be that guy everyone can trust to be responsible and take care of everyone (which normally comes at the sacrifice of having fun myself). I really need to work on this and continue this path because I want to make sure when I look back on life I am happy with what I did instead of regretting what I didn't do.

The second way is that this weekend was horrible. HORRIBLE. I got in a car accident, found out some really bad information regarding the guy I was dating and just let myself love, getting dumped by him, having a massive anxiety attack which made it so I stayed up and couldn't eat for over 24 hours, and the fact that one of the big fires in Southern California happens to be burning within 8 miles of my apartment. I really need to learn how to let go of my feelings because I am much more affected by this whole thing more than I really will admit. But I'm working on letting go.

I suppose I could even take it all a bit further and say that beyond the shitty weekend, the thing that is eating away at me the most is that I can feel myself letting go of some of the most important virtues I hold. I have been a positive, optimistic person who always has been able to put his trust and faith in people (especially lovers and friends). That certainly did not come natural and it was a hard road to get there, but I have always been proud that I was able to transform my life. But now I sense that all slipping away.

In a sad way this weekend has just broken me down and been the proverbial hair on the camel's back. I just look at people now and question why I put my faith in them and how I always just end up finding out it was misplaced anyways. That is a very painful thing because I think in many ways that is just how people know me. That I am the one who is always there for them and positive and I would hate for that to change.

Nice guys do finish last... and funny enough normally those who try to convince me otherwise are all the people who are attracted to the bad guys the most. There really is no need to sugar-coat it and try to tell me otherwise especially if actions speak louder than words. I now recognize the big decision will be: Do I stay the good guy and finish last (or possibly never) or do I just give up and be the not so nice guy?

Well enough of all this for now. Time to get out and make sure I still have an apartment that is not on fire.

The Garden of Good and Evil...

2007-10-16T14:49:00.000-07:00

or
Camping with Jesus and Failing

===================================================================
Preface:

So as I said I think I am ready to now share a story that just about no one knows. Sure it is an attempt at vulnerability and forgiveness. Because to be completely honest this story is a big one.

This is one of the pivotal stories in my life that lead me to who I am today. It is a story that makes me realize the very dark nature of myself and truly taught me the story of guilt. Despite it happening about 15 years ago it still is a story that bothers me and something I am not sure I have even really forgiven myself for.

So here comes the story and my own path of vulnerability and forgiveness begins...
===================================================================

Before the story truly begins, let me start out by saying something... I am and always have been deeply religious and spiritual. I semi-blame/thank my parents for this, because they started the epic battle for my eternal soul while I was still in the womb. They fought over what religion I would be brought into and raised in and always made sure to inspire religious devotion in my life.

Another slightly important note is that I took my deep connection with God (or the divine if you will) very, very far. Especially when I was young and dealing with my sexuality, God became my safe haven. Religion was my protector and I dove so deeply into religion (as a possible way to avoid thinking about sexuality) that I became what is commonly known only as a bible thumper. The super religious type who condemns others and takes the written word of religions as more gospel than the meaning of them.

That is all important because this tale takes place when I was still fresh and young and in my last year of elementary school. The year itself was crazy. I had always been super quiet, actually many of my teachers would sometimes assume I was mute (I know a big surprise considering myself now), and a good child. I was terrified of sin and did what I could to be the model little child, but I guess it was this year that lead to a strange venture away from that fear into my dark moment.

You see, during that year I had befriended a girl who I semi-fell for and we both ended up writing very depressing love poetry (I was emo before emo was emo). I earned the approval from many of my classmates who I suppose were just as angsty as all kids and loved the poetry. While this wasn't really an issue (I mean who doesn't write emo poetry for fun at that age), my parents found it. They freaked out, had an intervention and basically told me to NEVER write another poem again regardless of whether it was depressing or not. I swear they even had their own suicide watch out for me and always asked me how I was feeling and all that stuff.

But again this is all just background (or perhaps me trying to justify what is to come in the story), for this story actually takes place the summer after my 6th grade year. I had been so involved in my church that I jumped for the chance to go to camp with my church.

Jesus camp (I forgot the real name of the excursion but that will do for now) was great. It was my first time away from my family and there was so much to do. I spent the week swimming in the lake, memorizing bible verses, taking part in religious games to earn my team points, and eventually spending some time in a hospital... the moment that snapped me.

You see... one day we all went on a big hike and on the way back we came by a big slope that was covered in hay, which served as the sled run during the winter. This slope was considered super safe because it was covered in hay and all the rocks were supposedly removed from it to make a nice safe sled run. Well our guides decided to egg all the people on and see who was a "man" and would run down the hill to flirt dangerously with gravity.

Not to be outdone (or to possibly give people a reason to doubt my "man" status and possibly my sexuality) I decided to be one of the courageous and believing that nothing bad could ever happen to someone at Jesus camp, I booked it down the hill. Now anyone who has run down a very steep slope knows what happens next... I took air. I flew through the air for what seemed like minutes and landed... with a thud.

Apparently I am incredibly lucky and found the sole surviving rock on the slope. I landed face down and split my eyelid open on it right before I passed out with a possible concussion. I woke up being carried by a camp counselor with a rubber glove filled with ice over my eye, almost completely unaware of what happened.

After a million bottles of cleaner and a dozen stitches, I ended up cleared but since my parents had been called to come see me in the hospital everyone decided it was best that I left camp instead of remaining the last 3 days. So I was taken back to the campsite to pack up my things and head back with my parents.

And here I snapped. I guess I did the typical thing and lashed out at God. Why didn't he catch me? How could he allow me to get injured (and most likely scared for life)? Why did I deserve all this after I dedicated my life to being good while others my age were being bad kids and getting away with it all?

So I lashed out. Lashed out... but at the wrong person. While these days I don't necessarily believe in the Devil the way he is often depicted, I will say that in that moment I was a boy possessed by the devil and darkness. I found myself filled with anger, greed, vengeance, hate. I still remain haunted by how I felt that day and how easily it slipped into me. And even moreso how I then acted out.

On the way back to my tepee I passed the pool and guided by the devil I let possess me an object caught my eye. Someone had taken off their calculator watch (so the rage back then) and put it in their shoe and I stole it. Downright stole it. No reason at all to have done it. I didn't even know who it really belong to. But for some reason I felt like it was owed to me. I was punishing God by stealing something at his camp.

I lied to everyone about it too. Said I found the watch in the street and claimed the poor abandoned watch as my own. I wore it for a while, but shortly after the guilt of the situation consumed me. I even became depressed over the guilt. It was horrid. As I mentioned before, I still struggle to this day trying to convince myself that I have forgiven myself for this event.

But there we go... a very intimate and secretive story that freaks me out to share. But oh well... that was kind of the whole point of this post. But this story is one in which I truly learned about my dark side and how easy it is to give into it. It also taught me a lot about good and evil and how we exist between the two, and gave me the proof I needed to believe in the divine beings that exist beyond humanity.

Vulnerability and Surprising Realizaitons

2007-10-15T17:14:00.000-07:00

Today brought an interesting realization...

Telling our own stories to others is often an incredible act of vulnerability. When telling a personal story and deciding to not omit details, we often open ourselves up a great deal and show a very vulnerable side of ourselves.

We forget that our story made us who we are at that moment, that despite what happens it is all tied up to the strangness of life and the experiences in which we shouldn't necessarily be judged for.

Today I got to hear a wonderful story about someone's very interesting life journey. It proved to be a very thought provoking story and it made me very happy that this friend felt comfortable enough to open up and share his story with me. Of course I also felt horrible because at several times, I could tell (and other times he would mention it) that he felt incredibly vulnerable because of his candid nature about his story.

I guess it struck me because while I felt so honored to be able to hear his tale, I realized at the same time he would slip into a slightly uncomfortable position where he recognized his own vulnerability.

It made me really think about my own journey and all the tales along the way that I rarely tell people because of how I think of them more as guarded secrets instead of liberating tales. Perhaps one way to free myself from those self-restricting secrets is to get them out, and maybe I should begin to free them into this neutral space.

But for now you will have to just deal with the teaser of things to come.

I'm still alive!

2007-10-15T17:05:00.000-07:00

Ok, so it has been quite longer than I hoped between posts. I promise that there is a good reason I left my thoughts away from this place for so long.

Basically it is because a long while back when I had my first online journal (over at livejournal), I realized how they often became hot-beds of negativity. People would pour out their negative energy and thoughts into their blog and in turn their blog would react with the energy and spread this negativity into their life. People would begin to focus on negative things in life so they had something to post and things just got nasty.

So basically what I am saying is my Amazing August was followed by a pretty turbulent and sucky September. So much stuff happened during the month that often I am almost always surprised that I survived with a smile and sanity. I went from opening up to someone about how I felt, to being heartbroken, then back to happy as things worked out for me. I moved into a great apartment, but left behind some great friends back in Chino.

One lesson I will say though, is that while things seem like they suck at the time it is funny how now when I look back and reflect I see a lot of positive things and lessons I learned along the way. Sure it sucked then, but it is all past and now I can recognize and think about the great things that also happened in that crazy, wild ride of a month.

But rest assured, as I have been chatting with everyone about this journal I have started to think up so many posts I want to put down and have become re-energized about this whole blog thing so hopefully I can now stick onto that type of pattern.

Amazing August!

2007-08-17T15:14:00.000-07:00

Ok so... seeing as how August has been amazing so far I thought I would fill everyone in on why it has been so grand.

So August brought a physical end to my rather crazy living situation and now gave me a chance to move out of Irvine and somewhere else. This is a major blessing in disguise. I have been so tired of living in Irvine for a while but stuck around because my roommate wanted to live close to school and then eventually close to work (which I admit was mighty tempting too so I didn't complain since I would have no commute). But now that he and I have separated ways, I am finally moving out of the area and down to south county which will be fabulous. I also will have a new flatmate who I seem to get along with swimmingly.

August 10th was AMAZING! Yes amazing people. For those of you who are not aware of what grand event happened on this day here is it is:
Stardust came out. A movie I had been ecstatic about since hearing it was going to be made. Neil Gaiman is one of the few authors who I can honestly say is one of my favorites. His works almost do no wrong and are always superb stories. And this movie did not disappoint. As the time got closer and closer to the movie coming out I was a complete fan girl and now a week after opening day I can say I have seen it twice already and still adore it.

If you haven't seen it... shame on you! (Shesh I am already wanting to see it again).

Now next you have August 11th... which is none other than my best friend's birthday. Every year I realize how lucky I am to have such an amazing friend and person in my life. Although she and I have a strange relationship, we always know how to cheer each other up and that we are a phone call away. She has been an anchor to me in most of my turbulent storms and I always pray I am the same for her.

This brings us to today... Today is the latest installment in the August Extravaganza. For today High School Musical 2 comes out. Yes say what you want but you better not speak poorly of my Wildcats or I will have to beat you down into submission.

Is it sad I not only can't wait for the movie (and have planned a slight shin-dig to celebrate it including baking brownies and whatnot), but love finding all the silly pictures of products that are associated with it?

Like so:
Anyone wanna play twister, because if so I will just buy it and we can get our party on.

So August is only halfway through but let me say it has been amazing so far. So hopefully things keep going.

As for more substantive posts... one is coming soon, but I can't bring myself to type it up while waiting for HSM2 tonight. Sorry.

(p.s. I told you all I was a big nerd)

Beauty and the Geek

2007-08-10T17:49:00.000-07:00

So today while talking to someone I recently met (digitally at least), I was reminded with one of those special quirks that make me... well me.

I crave intellectual conversation. No wait... crave isn't strong enough. I am ravenous for intellectual conversation. Talking about philosophy, what makes people tick, people's beliefs, and other things just is so fulfilling. (Although whenever it happens it makes me lament over how rare the occasion actually is).

It also got me thinking about how I really need that in someone I am seeing. I have really only dated one person who enjoyed this as much as I do and it was great. I miss that a lot.

This also lead me to realize how the brain and personality really do weigh into my attraction level. I mean don't get me wrong... I am no saint. Looks certainly matter and draw you in. But the soul and brain are what keep you around. I think that is why some people are surprised to see who I have dated or who I get attracted to. They are so tied up in looks they don't see the stuff beyond the skin and muscle and... (ok sorry trailed off there) which can certainly be even more appealing than just the body.

Well yeah enough for now. I can't spoil the internet with paying it enough attention to get two posts from me in one day. I've learned my lesson again about giving it up too early and realizing it won't call me back the next day. SO HA! No more for you internet, not until later.

Ummm....... hello?

2007-08-10T16:46:00.000-07:00

Well seeing as open letters are all the rage... I have decided to jump aboard the open letter train and fall in line. So here is my letter:

Dear Dustin,

Ok so... umm hello. I think it is about time you and I had a little heart to hear. This letter has been a brewin' for quite some time and you have known it. And believe you, me I have seen that look that you knew something was up and the anticipation has been swelling inside you waiting for everything to be exposed. Well wait no longer, Mr. The time has come for me to get some stuff off my chest, so sit down and read this and don't you dare try to say anything until you are done reading this whole thing.

Who in the hell do you think you are? I mean seriously. I know you pretty well and can say that often you completely forget to be who you are. I mean I know and totally feel bad for everything that has happened the last few years, but don't you think it is about time you let it all go and stop preventing yourself from showing everyone who you are? And those few friends you still have around who might have problems with you suddenly being slightly different? Screw 'em. I mean seriously, how long are you going to keep up a façade just to keep a few people's world views safe?

And that gets to the second point... SAFE? I mean come on. When we first started to get to know each other you were quite the little devil. Purposely doing your little tricks here and there just to bring people out of their mind numbing routines that they get trapped into. Pushing people out of their safe little boxes to make sure that they are continuing to grow in their own ways, while also working so hard as to hide the fact you are doing it. Where did all that go? Have you just become one of them now? Sold out to the routines and the safety that life can present? I sure as hell hope not, because if you did I am not sure you and I can continue to see each other the way we are or even really stay friends.

That whole singing and dancing in the car thing is good though. Keep at it. I mean there is a little of that little devil I remember. Just enjoy life and dance and sing. And remember that the trick isn't making sure no one is watching, but to make them notice. While everyone else is out there trying to hide their singing and dancing in the car, you keep making sure people see it. Because it always makes them smile or laugh. And even if they are laughing at how silly/stupid/etc you are, you are still making them laugh and bringing a bit of joy into their lives in your own random way.

But don't let it all stop there. Remember to keep laughing at yourself. Everyone is always so afraid of being laughed at they forget to laugh at themselves. Life is all about making yourself into the fool and learning from it and laughing from it all. Becoming too serious is not the path you want so turn that proverbial horse right around and get a galloping. You have been on that road a few days too long.

Now here is where I will also say a few other things that you have been doing better: good job on the drinking. You don't go too far, but make sure to have some fun. You know that whole lighten up thing. You have been starting to do a pretty good job at slowly doing it, without going to extremes. I mean thank the Lord you aren't looking to those shinning beacons in Hollywood for guidance on how to lighten up. I mean Lindsay has some awesome film roles, but please her life is not one to emulate lately. But let's stay hopeful for her and the others out there.

There. I think that is it for now. But trust me... you stray or keep on the path I mentioned and we are going to have another serious talkin' which might just lead to another break up entering your life.

So get on.

Have a good weekend do something devilish.

-Dustin

Friendly Mission Round 2

2007-07-25T10:27:00.000-07:00

So since everything has been crazy lately... I have decided to put myself on a mission.

And that mission is to make new friends. Things were going very well in the "meet new people and make new friends" category, but a lot of that has fizzled. So now it is time for Round 2!

So... Mission meet new people round 2...

GO GO GO!

New England...

2007-07-15T23:48:00.000-07:00

People often ask me about my siblings... are they like me? do they enjoy the same things I do? are they smart? do we look alike?

And here I have decided it is time to share a fun story about my sister which might answer one of those.

Earlier today she came up to my mother in tears.

"Mom! Everyone is making fun of me and trying to make me look stupid," she said sniffling.

"Why? what?" My mom asked trying to diffuse the situation.

"Jonathan (my brother) and everyone are trying to trick me into believing them. They are trying to tell me that New England is in the United States and making fun of me for not believing them."

"Christina... New England is in the United States. We went even visited it... remember Rhode Island, New York and that whole trip?"

"MOM! Not you too! STOP! I know New England is in England right next to Old England. You all can't trick me. I'm not as dumb as you all make me sound!"

Sometimes I feel bad about stealing all the intelligence from the genetic pool...

Little lost boy...

2007-07-14T01:52:00.000-07:00

I am writing this to remind myself to write a real update soon.

But in the mean time I just want to share that there is tons of stuff to say, but the most important i that things are just god damn wonderful.

RIP Boomer :(

2007-06-29T09:59:00.001-07:00

This morning I got the phone call that I was dreading. It is common for me to talk to my mother before heading to work so I made little note of the fact that she was calling, but I think I knew something was up because I had that sinking feeling in my stomach before I even hit the call accept button.

"I just called to let you know that we are going to have to put Boo... him... to sleep." She said through the sobs. She couldn't say his name because as soon as she tried the tears burst forth and stalled her statement.

We knew it was a possibility. But we had faith that it wouldn't happen. He apparently had some disease that male cats are prone to that causes him to continually get painful Urinary Tract Infections. Medication didn't help, and our last try... a steroid failed us too aparently. So today his fate was decided. We would put him out of the pain, but that would mean that I lose my twin.

Despite what others knew about him he really was my feline twin. My roommates used to laugh when they would come home and he and I would be laying in the living room both alseep laying the exact same way next to each other (either stretched out real long or curled up in a ball). He was my protector, always watching out to make sure I was safe and no one would do me harm. Heck he even bit my boyfriend at the time as he tried to climb up into the top bunk with me warning him that he was under watch and better not do anything to harm me (plus lets face it he was jealous since he normally got to sleep with me).

Boomer (or as he loved me to call him Buttface) was a special cat. He was a survivor. There are so many times in his short life he should have died. He wa abandoned by his mother right after being born because he was trapped in a neighbors garage for 4 days without food. Somehow we nursed him to health and gave him to our dog Alexis to take care of and the two bonded. Bonded so much that they really believed they were mother and son.

Two dogs.

Yes... Boomer spent most of his life thinking he was a dog. He would chase other cats and watch them jump over a fence and turn around unaware of the fact he could do the same. He would fetch and bring me toys so we could play with him.

Boomer was that pet who could always make you feel loved when you didn't feel loved. And he always was there for me. It might sound silly but he knew when I needed someone to be there and he would come up and curl into my lap just to remind me that I wasn't alone. He was always going to be the first of my million cats I would have when I am an old senile man who lives by himself surrounded by millions of cats, but unfortunately fate decided something else for him.

He was a great pet and truly a part of me. I will miss him deeply. Much love Boomer.

Cyber Personality Part 1

2007-06-28T10:48:00.000-07:00

Your Score: Dionysus

33% Extroversion, 46% Intuition, 100% Emotiveness, 100% Perceptiveness

Although deeply emotional, you are extremely lacking in self-knowledge. You are somewhat needy, and when bored, may become very hedonistic. Your life is a quest for meaning, above all else. You are most like Dionysus. You are primarily interested in serving others, but your efforts are almost always unappreciated. You aren't confrontational, you're often out of tune with your own needs and unaware of the consequences of your own actions.

You are, at heart, a good person. You are very affectionate, and you are very loyal to your friends and family. You are very reluctant to burden others with your own problems, to the point that this in itself can become a problem for the people who care about you. This is a particular of a more general problem. Dionysus sends wave of ruin throughout his personal life. He is the photographer who seduces his subjects. He is the teacher who seduces a student. He is the art student who paints nonrepresentational splashes of color, he is the poet who rejects meter and content. You seek sexual partners more than anything else (this is to exploit the nurturing side of others to help fill your own void). If not sexual partners, this desire to become the object of sympathy with other people can manifest itself in other destructive ways. Stinkfist by Tool explains your condition pretty well. It's very likely that you haven't had many experienced mentors. You don't want them either, because you're the sort of person who rejects criticism and boundaries, but they're also your only hope for reaching any kind of emotional maturity.

Famous People Like You: John Lennon, Mick Jagger, Michael Jackson, Britney Spears, Marilyn Monroe, Hugh Hefner

I'd tell you to stay clear of Hermes, Icarus and Apollo, but you could probably learn something from them. You're least likely to hurt The Oracle, Atlas, Prometheus, and Daedalus, but Atlas and Daedalus won't like you very much.
Seek out: The Oracle, Prometheus

Link: The Greek Mythology Personality Test written by Aleph_Nine on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

Prince and the Pauper

2007-06-15T22:24:00.000-07:00

So lately I feel like something just has been on my mind and I want to preserve it here for me to think about and reflect on.

Money...

I was blessed in a strange way. I grew up poor. And when I say poor I mean something few understand. At a young age I was stuffing envelopes with mailers with my family as we watched Disney movies on VHS just to make some extra money. I grew up never knowing fancy things and thinking Target clothes were a true treat.

That is my background.

Now take that poor kid who somehow gives the impression that he came from a much more noble background, and throw him right into the middle of Orange County. One of the wealthier places in the US. A place where 18 year olds are driving cars more expensive than all the cars in my family combined, where 16 year olds know what Prada is and might even own something with the real label, and where mosts conception of being poor is something my family would have thought was a wonderful life.

Here I am meeting friends and going out shopping with them while they talk about paying near $300 for a pair of jeans. Something I will admit to wishing I could occasionally do... but just can't yet. Something that sometimes freaks me out that something like that can be so crazy. I hear people talk about designers and hope that I know which one they are talking about. And the funny part is unlike the people I used to know, they don't flaunt it. It is there life. It isn't like they make it the big grand deal or rub it in your face. It is just their life.

And it is refreshing in a strange way... so nice to see such a different way of life. To learn about it all as if it is something brand new. But sometimes I just wonder if me and my two semi-expensive pairs of jeans fit in around here. I sometimes find myself with a lack of something to say because I don't know about this aspect of fashion or this designer and just end up sounding like someone walking fresh off the farms I grew up near.

But it is so much fun to see how different life can be for some people, and yet how similar. Money isn't the saviour the poor think it is. When growing up we always saw having more money as the answer to our problems and here I see the same problems with a different mask. Sure some things are most certainly easier if you have money, but money just brings a whole different set of issues and problems.

So I guess the moral(s) for me to remember is...

1) Remember your roots and don't be ashamed
2) Find new ways to examine the problems because the answer might not be what you expect
3) These shoes are $300 dollars...

Forget Blind... Lady Love is Just Cruel...

2007-06-15T22:01:00.000-07:00

So life has been interesting these last few weeks...

I added another person to my duo of crushes... But like normal something had to be super special about the situation. So now I had three guys I liked each of which had a wonderful "gift" to bring to the table.

Guy #1) I adored him and care very deeply about him. We dated before and things went sour due to some stupidity, but there will always be a part of my heart for him. But of course he not only now is further away, but is dating someone else. (And I honestly am happy for him.)

Guy #2) Honestly has grabbed my attention more than most people have before. Great and fun to hang out with and seems like too good a person to be real sometimes. However guy #2 isn't so interested in me beyond the friend stage so we will continue to be great friends (which still is a major bonus in my books).

Guy #3) Adorable to hell. Fun and nice, and a bit of a bad boy which is fun. I didn't expect to like him but just in hanging out I found myself liking him. Problem is he happens to also be freshly turned 18, still in highschool (although graduating soon) and lives at home with his mother.

Sooo basically I was screwed. And I guess I knew this. But somehow I ended up going with option number 3 and trying things out. OK OK OK.... I know. Shame on me. But there was something so nice about it. Something nice about someone wanting me after hearing about how undatable I am.

The kid had me hooked and I enjoyed it. We had fun, but ultimately something was missing. And I wanted to make it work. Wanted desperately to make it work. So that I knew I wasn't undatable... that I was good enough to date. But no matter how much I tried something was missing. He had to be home by a certain time so that meant no late night cuddling or time spent together. I had to deal with everyone bringing up how young he was and judging the fact that I choose to put myself in the situation. Perhaps those all made it slowly eat away at me and just bring out the fact that the special spark that ignites a good relationship just wasn't there.

So I called things off. And felt like a horrible person (and still do as a matter of fact), but I knew I couldn't drag things out while the kid was so happy and part of me wasn't. This of course was just not good... not good at all. But I pulled the proverbial band-aid off as quickly as I could and did it. And while part of me enjoys the freedom, I realize how this little vacation into the lands of dating only brought back the big fear that I am undatable.

Nice guys do finish last... we are the ones who everyone wants as their friends. The one who will always be there and people don't want to risk losing. So we are the ones who tend to just be everyones best friend and not their romantic interest. And you know what... I think I am starting to make some sad peace with that. At least I will have tons of people to call when one of my cats is sick and I need help to watch my 999 other cats while I go to the vet real quick.

Bleh... and the tides come crashing in on me...

2007-05-15T15:12:00.000-07:00

Bleh...

Isn't it amazing how sometimes your brain can just drive you insane? How a little comment in a conversation can start a snowballing effect of mental doom?

Most of the time I feel so free from the nightmare before, but still sometimes it is amazing how something semi-random can bring about such a random change in all of that. Suddenly all those feelings of depression, humiliation, worthlessness can come flooding back to consume me and remind me of all those years. I suddenly can go from confident to feeling like I truly will never find someone who will value me or even want to date me, reduced to just hoping I can find someone who can put up with me for a day or night. And sadly, I am just not sure if I am date-able.

I like to think I would make someone happy. I am loving, and try to do what I can to make someone happy, educated both in a broad sense and in relationships, I love to cuddle, love to cook, and a wide variety of things I would think people would want. But then I often just seem to be reduced to someone who is attractive enough for someone to want to hook up with but not someone you would date.

9 months... I keep telling myself. Wow... I have survived 9 months of no affection. 9 months of being a good boy, resisting temptation. But at the same time it also comes to 9 months where the most affection or attention I have gotten has been a hug from someone I find attractive. I truly don't know what I will do as I slowly let that eat away at me and make me question if I have lost my touch.

Well there is the end of this sad story... pity party at my place later.

A long time over due...

2007-05-13T23:11:00.000-07:00

Oh dear here is a third post in a short time... I hope that certainly doesn't become a habit.

But seeing as how it has oddly come up a few times I think it is time for me to write down a few things that have happened over the last 3-4 years. To make them permanent and solid. To let them out from the mess that muddies up my brain.

Sooo... a while back I met someone who I thought would be my savior from inevitable heartbreak (sure come to find out it wasn't so inevitable and it was all stupid miscommunication). Someone who was there to ignite a fire... ashame I wasn't aware of how far it would burn.

Being young and foolish I fell for it all... the glitz, the glamour, the promises. I ran away from something that was pretty damn good, ran all the way to the other side of the mountain where I swore the grass would be much more green. But alas, I was weak. Despite what everyone decided to tell me I couldn't mend the fact that my heart loved two people (although I could also write a whole great deal about what I think might have been happening), and I let that open the gates to a lot of pain. I swapped back and then back again keeping three souls in limbo... and ultimately all I did was scar all three of us.

Finally full of guilt (oh one of my severe weaknesses), I made a decision and decided I had to stick through with it through whatever. And I picked this new flame. Partially to spare the old from the disaster I had become and partially to not have to stare into eyes full of hurt and betrayal. A new beginning had promises that wounds would heal, or that if it ended the heartbreak would be more bearable.

Things seemed to be working... life was ok. I repented and did all I could to show that I could be a good boyfriend. And although he might not agree, I was damn good all things considered.

And stick it out we did... for close to three years we stayed together. In some ways I was too proud of the fact that we were able to turn such a rocky beginning into what I thought was a surviving relationship. Never did I notice what the relationship had turned into and more importantly who I had turned into.

Through those years, I guess you could say I was in a slightly domestically violent relationship. Now I don't necessarily blame my ex for it, because I really don't think it was intentional. But while there was no real violence, my life was completely altered in the relationship.

I was convinced to give up friends, change my behavior, mediate myself, and give up all my power. The very thing that had attracted him to me, became the food in which he devoured. It was and slightly still is incredibly embarrassing to admit that someone who had spent so long studying relationships, had become involved in one that was so destructive and not really notice it. So I kept things quiet... not realizing I still let it all consume me by bottling it up.

Empty... a shell... that is what I had become. Worthless and unlovable was what I had seen myself as. I was lucky to even have a boyfriend who would deal with me... at least that is what I allowed him to tell me until I believed it. I was too fat... too this... too that... never good enough for him. I strived to be a better person, to be a great boyfriend. I lovingly brought flowers, kisses, and random gifts to express the love I had. Never noticing I that I was the only one who truly brought warmth and love into the relationship.

In his defense, I don't truly think he ever got over the scars that happened when we started. And bottling it up for so long he didn't realize what he was doing in hope to protect himself from the pain he endured at the beginning. But at the same time I am not too sure if I do all that to find a way to continually blame myself for what happened. Sometimes I wonder if I try to make it my fault so I feel like I can learn to forgive myself instead of trying to forgive him for what all happened.

Well I think that pretty much sums up the majority of the last 3 years. So now that that relationship is over, it is time to rebuild a friend base, rebuild a life and remember who I was before.

And as a quick end... I would like to say that I am pleased to be able to say that the ex who I left in the beginning of this tale is doing well. And that perhaps I did the best thing I could in removing himself from the situation as his life has been good for him and now we have been able to begin to rekindle a friendship now that some of our scars have had a bit of time to heal.

Old Beginnings and Romantic Questions...

2007-05-13T13:41:00.000-07:00

Funny how things are... After posting that I decided to look back into my old blog and here is the first post from May 2nd, 2002:

"Ok so yes... I have finally decided to break the bonds of laziness and create an online journal. Who knows how long this will last and if it will remain here at his site... but at least it is an attempt and a beginning. So now I bet the question in your mind (or possibly one of them) is what would burn inside me so passionately that it would make me desire to post it up so that everyone can read... MY response... LIFE. So now... I do admit that I do not overflow with wisdom nor am I the most interesting person, but I am me. And that is what I present to this journal... myself.

So now where does one start? Do I do a classic thing and start from the beginning or from the end. Or can I just foolishly design a random day to begin and randomly share my life in a very Memento-esque style seeing if my life can be pieced together like a puzzle. Well I do not know... that is a question I will have to ponder for a bit. Until then... I guess the answer is I will not start in that typical fashion as I shall stall the beginning and start with this. So if you have request you can try to send them my way. If you need something send it my way... Have a complaint and want to bitch about it... have a compliment... send it my way... Soon you shall discover my brutal honestly with the world and myself and shall discover how I crave honesty... So know you always have a chance to respond."

I guess not much has changed in all those years... perhaps I should have just copied and pasted that as the new intro but where would the fun be in that.

Careful, careful here comes the rant...

And to jump right into things I guess I might as well post the burning questions on my mind on this wonderful Mother's Day. A day to remember that we were all once blessed with life from another being.

Funny how troublesome our hearts can be. I honestly wasn't sure how I would feel when I started to get out again. That whole 3 year semi-abusive relationship left a big mark... made me feel broken and as if I simply wasn't worth it to others, I was damaged goods. But in the last 9 or so months, I let myself be that person. Somehow those chains were thrown aside and though meeting new wonderful people I have become to realize how wrong I was and how important it is to keep your life surrounded by good people.

And what wonderful people I have found. I am living it up and loving it all. I will even admit that one might have even caught my eye (although I think he is more wanting to be friends which is totally hot with me too). It is amazing how I can go from losing all my friends in a crazy relationship to rekindling friends and meeting some amazing new ones.

Here is to the beginning of an eventful life...

New Beginnings...

2007-05-13T13:30:00.000-07:00

So I guess it is time to start one of these again...

Words often swarm my head, thoughts progress, feelings linger... all burning to be immortalized and released into or onto something. Hopefully this will be a place where that can all be saved, somewhere without the drama that used to exist before.

I should warn anyone who ventures into this electronic land... I am honest, frank and quite often saying things out loud (or in sake of this typing things) I often shouldn't. But one of my motto's is to be accountable for my life and for what I think and feel. Be transparent, be full of who you are, and allow life to be yours. So if you scare easily... or don't want to know what is on my mind be weary where you tread for I promise I will often make a fool of myself (and often on purpose).

So here is to a new beginning...