On loneliness and lost opportunity...

Ok so I think I just need to blog to get this out because right now it is really getting to me.

I miss it. I know I shouldn't miss a relationship, especially one where I found out some very questionable activity. But it is so hard. Today was supposed to be the end of the hardship. Our chance to make things better after his work schedule finally calmed down. I spent almost this entire month waiting for today. Waiting for things to get better and my faith to be restored in relationships. But we didn't even make it to this point.

Part of me is still waiting. I hear the secret prayers my breath whispers that this is all just some horrible mistake or dream. That little hopeful part of me just won't let a breath go praying for something positive to happen.

Now I do want to clear up that this isn't necessarily a "I want him back" prayer. It is a prayer that says I hope I can find another person who is worth my breath. Because to be honest, I don't normally get too attracted to people who are worth me. I have a serious problem "adopting" wounded animals instead of going after people who will also be good to be in return.

The hard part is just missing the companionship. I'm still working on making friends, but it always stinks when the main person you hang out with is suddenly just gone. And that is basically how my life has been for the last few months for one reason or another. He wasn't just the guy I was dating... he was the main friend I got to hang out with. And now when I get bored and long for someone to hang out with I realize that my list is quite bare.

So while I have been doing a good job at letting go of the relationship side, it is the friendship side that is the hardest to let go of. It is rare that I make friends with people who WANT to hang out with me. I normally have to be the person to start a conversation, come up with some plan to hang out, invite everyone, etc and it was nice to have a someone who contacted me and wanted to see me and hang out.

I suppose this just furthers the whole realizations on what I need and don't need in people in my life (both romantically and friendship-wise). I need to find people who are worth it, instead of following my trend and finding people who I think I can help and doing everything I can to convince myself that they are worth it.

Fire: The Divine Spark of Change

"Some day, after we have mastered the winds, the waves, the tides,
and gravity; we shall harness the energies of love.

Then, for the second time in the history of the world, man will have discovered fire."
- Teilhard De Chardin

Fire is something that certainly can't be avoided lately. As southern California is lit ablaze it has made me think. I admit that I am one who finds meaning in the most random of places. One who sees the omens, lessons and signs in the beautiful world around us. I am not one who believes in coincidence on a grand scale, as I see each coincidence is all part of a giant web of purpose designed to connect our lives to all the possibilities that exist.

For example, I take it as no surprise that these fires happened shortly after a horribly unsettling break up by someone I began to care for. If I were in the relationship, I don't know if I would have opened that special part of me up to the world and really thought about the fires and come out of it with the lessons I am now beginning to see.

Fire has always been a greatly spiritual thing. Sure today it is commonly thought of as a quarter of the basic elements, but in history its position as such was often debated and changed culture to culture. Some saw it as above water, earth and air. Fire was a divine spark that existed within everything. Harnessing fire was one of humanities greatest achievements, but understanding it has always been far from complete.

Flames purify. They burn off impurities and reconnect us with the divine spark within ourself. Some even claim that the fires of hell were for this reason... to purify the souls of the sinners to either experience the hells more or to eventually given them a chance at salvation. Burning land also was a way to purify the land and add nourishment to the land.

This is what I need. I think I have needed these flames. Sure I don't want to sound callous, I feel very bad that these fires have destroyed people's property and disrupted so many lives, but perhaps that is the point. We ignore so many things in life maybe we need our lives to be disrupted so we can pay attention to things again.

One of my earliest memories is being fascinated by a cartoon that had a phoenix in it. A creature that was birthed by flames died in flames and repeated this process forever amazed me. Through the years, I have always felt a kinship with this bird. Many times I have invoked this and tried to create massive change in my life by deciding to putting things to rest and allowing myself a rebirth.

I think now is another of those times.

It is finally time to let a lot of things in my past go. Time to release them into a holy fire and allow them to be put to rest, freeing myself from things I have held onto for much too long. I know I have been asking for great changes in my life, but I now realize I also have been not allowing them to happen. I have been allowing myself to be tied down to the past to the point of not letting myself go through the metamorphosis I have needed.

But hey while everything else around is burning down... I think it is time to let those ropes holding me back go up in flame too. It is time for man (and me) to rediscover fire.

Letting Go...

Funny how that little phrase seems to encompass my life right now and yet I mean it in both a positive and negative way. I guess that just goes to show the amazingly interesting beauty that is intrinsic in language.

But I digress... this entry isn't so much about the beauty of the language and communication in general, but instead about the experience of why this phrase relates to me right now in its multitude of ways.

The first is that I think I am finally learning to let go and not be the amazing ball of responsibility and stress that I am. I am slowly (so very slowly) learning how to just have enjoy life and have fun without being so caught up in everything. I had the pleasure of going out the other night and drinking enough to be rather tipsy and just enjoy the night, and it was such an eye opening experience. I realized how much I stop myself from enjoying life because I feel like I have to be that guy everyone can trust to be responsible and take care of everyone (which normally comes at the sacrifice of having fun myself). I really need to work on this and continue this path because I want to make sure when I look back on life I am happy with what I did instead of regretting what I didn't do.

The second way is that this weekend was horrible. HORRIBLE. I got in a car accident, found out some really bad information regarding the guy I was dating and just let myself love, getting dumped by him, having a massive anxiety attack which made it so I stayed up and couldn't eat for over 24 hours, and the fact that one of the big fires in Southern California happens to be burning within 8 miles of my apartment. I really need to learn how to let go of my feelings because I am much more affected by this whole thing more than I really will admit. But I'm working on letting go.

I suppose I could even take it all a bit further and say that beyond the shitty weekend, the thing that is eating away at me the most is that I can feel myself letting go of some of the most important virtues I hold. I have been a positive, optimistic person who always has been able to put his trust and faith in people (especially lovers and friends). That certainly did not come natural and it was a hard road to get there, but I have always been proud that I was able to transform my life. But now I sense that all slipping away.

In a sad way this weekend has just broken me down and been the proverbial hair on the camel's back. I just look at people now and question why I put my faith in them and how I always just end up finding out it was misplaced anyways. That is a very painful thing because I think in many ways that is just how people know me. That I am the one who is always there for them and positive and I would hate for that to change.

Nice guys do finish last... and funny enough normally those who try to convince me otherwise are all the people who are attracted to the bad guys the most. There really is no need to sugar-coat it and try to tell me otherwise especially if actions speak louder than words. I now recognize the big decision will be: Do I stay the good guy and finish last (or possibly never) or do I just give up and be the not so nice guy?

Well enough of all this for now. Time to get out and make sure I still have an apartment that is not on fire.

The Garden of Good and Evil...

or
Camping with Jesus and Failing

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Preface:

So as I said I think I am ready to now share a story that just about no one knows. Sure it is an attempt at vulnerability and forgiveness. Because to be completely honest this story is a big one.

This is one of the pivotal stories in my life that lead me to who I am today. It is a story that makes me realize the very dark nature of myself and truly taught me the story of guilt. Despite it happening about 15 years ago it still is a story that bothers me and something I am not sure I have even really forgiven myself for.

So here comes the story and my own path of vulnerability and forgiveness begins...
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Before the story truly begins, let me start out by saying something... I am and always have been deeply religious and spiritual. I semi-blame/thank my parents for this, because they started the epic battle for my eternal soul while I was still in the womb. They fought over what religion I would be brought into and raised in and always made sure to inspire religious devotion in my life.

Another slightly important note is that I took my deep connection with God (or the divine if you will) very, very far. Especially when I was young and dealing with my sexuality, God became my safe haven. Religion was my protector and I dove so deeply into religion (as a possible way to avoid thinking about sexuality) that I became what is commonly known only as a bible thumper. The super religious type who condemns others and takes the written word of religions as more gospel than the meaning of them.

That is all important because this tale takes place when I was still fresh and young and in my last year of elementary school. The year itself was crazy. I had always been super quiet, actually many of my teachers would sometimes assume I was mute (I know a big surprise considering myself now), and a good child. I was terrified of sin and did what I could to be the model little child, but I guess it was this year that lead to a strange venture away from that fear into my dark moment.

You see, during that year I had befriended a girl who I semi-fell for and we both ended up writing very depressing love poetry (I was emo before emo was emo). I earned the approval from many of my classmates who I suppose were just as angsty as all kids and loved the poetry. While this wasn't really an issue (I mean who doesn't write emo poetry for fun at that age), my parents found it. They freaked out, had an intervention and basically told me to NEVER write another poem again regardless of whether it was depressing or not. I swear they even had their own suicide watch out for me and always asked me how I was feeling and all that stuff.

But again this is all just background (or perhaps me trying to justify what is to come in the story), for this story actually takes place the summer after my 6th grade year. I had been so involved in my church that I jumped for the chance to go to camp with my church.

Jesus camp (I forgot the real name of the excursion but that will do for now) was great. It was my first time away from my family and there was so much to do. I spent the week swimming in the lake, memorizing bible verses, taking part in religious games to earn my team points, and eventually spending some time in a hospital... the moment that snapped me.

You see... one day we all went on a big hike and on the way back we came by a big slope that was covered in hay, which served as the sled run during the winter. This slope was considered super safe because it was covered in hay and all the rocks were supposedly removed from it to make a nice safe sled run. Well our guides decided to egg all the people on and see who was a "man" and would run down the hill to flirt dangerously with gravity.

Not to be outdone (or to possibly give people a reason to doubt my "man" status and possibly my sexuality) I decided to be one of the courageous and believing that nothing bad could ever happen to someone at Jesus camp, I booked it down the hill. Now anyone who has run down a very steep slope knows what happens next... I took air. I flew through the air for what seemed like minutes and landed... with a thud.

Apparently I am incredibly lucky and found the sole surviving rock on the slope. I landed face down and split my eyelid open on it right before I passed out with a possible concussion. I woke up being carried by a camp counselor with a rubber glove filled with ice over my eye, almost completely unaware of what happened.

After a million bottles of cleaner and a dozen stitches, I ended up cleared but since my parents had been called to come see me in the hospital everyone decided it was best that I left camp instead of remaining the last 3 days. So I was taken back to the campsite to pack up my things and head back with my parents.

And here I snapped. I guess I did the typical thing and lashed out at God. Why didn't he catch me? How could he allow me to get injured (and most likely scared for life)? Why did I deserve all this after I dedicated my life to being good while others my age were being bad kids and getting away with it all?

So I lashed out. Lashed out... but at the wrong person. While these days I don't necessarily believe in the Devil the way he is often depicted, I will say that in that moment I was a boy possessed by the devil and darkness. I found myself filled with anger, greed, vengeance, hate. I still remain haunted by how I felt that day and how easily it slipped into me. And even moreso how I then acted out.

On the way back to my tepee I passed the pool and guided by the devil I let possess me an object caught my eye. Someone had taken off their calculator watch (so the rage back then) and put it in their shoe and I stole it. Downright stole it. No reason at all to have done it. I didn't even know who it really belong to. But for some reason I felt like it was owed to me. I was punishing God by stealing something at his camp.

I lied to everyone about it too. Said I found the watch in the street and claimed the poor abandoned watch as my own. I wore it for a while, but shortly after the guilt of the situation consumed me. I even became depressed over the guilt. It was horrid. As I mentioned before, I still struggle to this day trying to convince myself that I have forgiven myself for this event.

But there we go... a very intimate and secretive story that freaks me out to share. But oh well... that was kind of the whole point of this post. But this story is one in which I truly learned about my dark side and how easy it is to give into it. It also taught me a lot about good and evil and how we exist between the two, and gave me the proof I needed to believe in the divine beings that exist beyond humanity.

Vulnerability and Surprising Realizaitons

Today brought an interesting realization...

Telling our own stories to others is often an incredible act of vulnerability. When telling a personal story and deciding to not omit details, we often open ourselves up a great deal and show a very vulnerable side of ourselves.

We forget that our story made us who we are at that moment, that despite what happens it is all tied up to the strangness of life and the experiences in which we shouldn't necessarily be judged for.

Today I got to hear a wonderful story about someone's very interesting life journey. It proved to be a very thought provoking story and it made me very happy that this friend felt comfortable enough to open up and share his story with me. Of course I also felt horrible because at several times, I could tell (and other times he would mention it) that he felt incredibly vulnerable because of his candid nature about his story.

I guess it struck me because while I felt so honored to be able to hear his tale, I realized at the same time he would slip into a slightly uncomfortable position where he recognized his own vulnerability.

It made me really think about my own journey and all the tales along the way that I rarely tell people because of how I think of them more as guarded secrets instead of liberating tales. Perhaps one way to free myself from those self-restricting secrets is to get them out, and maybe I should begin to free them into this neutral space.

But for now you will have to just deal with the teaser of things to come.

I'm still alive!

Ok, so it has been quite longer than I hoped between posts. I promise that there is a good reason I left my thoughts away from this place for so long.

Basically it is because a long while back when I had my first online journal (over at livejournal), I realized how they often became hot-beds of negativity. People would pour out their negative energy and thoughts into their blog and in turn their blog would react with the energy and spread this negativity into their life. People would begin to focus on negative things in life so they had something to post and things just got nasty.

So basically what I am saying is my Amazing August was followed by a pretty turbulent and sucky September. So much stuff happened during the month that often I am almost always surprised that I survived with a smile and sanity. I went from opening up to someone about how I felt, to being heartbroken, then back to happy as things worked out for me. I moved into a great apartment, but left behind some great friends back in Chino.

One lesson I will say though, is that while things seem like they suck at the time it is funny how now when I look back and reflect I see a lot of positive things and lessons I learned along the way. Sure it sucked then, but it is all past and now I can recognize and think about the great things that also happened in that crazy, wild ride of a month.

But rest assured, as I have been chatting with everyone about this journal I have started to think up so many posts I want to put down and have become re-energized about this whole blog thing so hopefully I can now stick onto that type of pattern.

Amazing August!

Ok so... seeing as how August has been amazing so far I thought I would fill everyone in on why it has been so grand.

So August brought a physical end to my rather crazy living situation and now gave me a chance to move out of Irvine and somewhere else. This is a major blessing in disguise. I have been so tired of living in Irvine for a while but stuck around because my roommate wanted to live close to school and then eventually close to work (which I admit was mighty tempting too so I didn't complain since I would have no commute). But now that he and I have separated ways, I am finally moving out of the area and down to south county which will be fabulous. I also will have a new flatmate who I seem to get along with swimmingly.

August 10th was AMAZING! Yes amazing people. For those of you who are not aware of what grand event happened on this day here is it is:
Stardust came out. A movie I had been ecstatic about since hearing it was going to be made. Neil Gaiman is one of the few authors who I can honestly say is one of my favorites. His works almost do no wrong and are always superb stories. And this movie did not disappoint. As the time got closer and closer to the movie coming out I was a complete fan girl and now a week after opening day I can say I have seen it twice already and still adore it.

If you haven't seen it... shame on you! (Shesh I am already wanting to see it again).

Now next you have August 11th... which is none other than my best friend's birthday. Every year I realize how lucky I am to have such an amazing friend and person in my life. Although she and I have a strange relationship, we always know how to cheer each other up and that we are a phone call away. She has been an anchor to me in most of my turbulent storms and I always pray I am the same for her.

This brings us to today... Today is the latest installment in the August Extravaganza. For today High School Musical 2 comes out. Yes say what you want but you better not speak poorly of my Wildcats or I will have to beat you down into submission.

Is it sad I not only can't wait for the movie (and have planned a slight shin-dig to celebrate it including baking brownies and whatnot), but love finding all the silly pictures of products that are associated with it?

Like so:
Anyone wanna play twister, because if so I will just buy it and we can get our party on.

So August is only halfway through but let me say it has been amazing so far. So hopefully things keep going.

As for more substantive posts... one is coming soon, but I can't bring myself to type it up while waiting for HSM2 tonight. Sorry.

(p.s. I told you all I was a big nerd)