Letting Go...

Funny how that little phrase seems to encompass my life right now and yet I mean it in both a positive and negative way. I guess that just goes to show the amazingly interesting beauty that is intrinsic in language.

But I digress... this entry isn't so much about the beauty of the language and communication in general, but instead about the experience of why this phrase relates to me right now in its multitude of ways.

The first is that I think I am finally learning to let go and not be the amazing ball of responsibility and stress that I am. I am slowly (so very slowly) learning how to just have enjoy life and have fun without being so caught up in everything. I had the pleasure of going out the other night and drinking enough to be rather tipsy and just enjoy the night, and it was such an eye opening experience. I realized how much I stop myself from enjoying life because I feel like I have to be that guy everyone can trust to be responsible and take care of everyone (which normally comes at the sacrifice of having fun myself). I really need to work on this and continue this path because I want to make sure when I look back on life I am happy with what I did instead of regretting what I didn't do.

The second way is that this weekend was horrible. HORRIBLE. I got in a car accident, found out some really bad information regarding the guy I was dating and just let myself love, getting dumped by him, having a massive anxiety attack which made it so I stayed up and couldn't eat for over 24 hours, and the fact that one of the big fires in Southern California happens to be burning within 8 miles of my apartment. I really need to learn how to let go of my feelings because I am much more affected by this whole thing more than I really will admit. But I'm working on letting go.

I suppose I could even take it all a bit further and say that beyond the shitty weekend, the thing that is eating away at me the most is that I can feel myself letting go of some of the most important virtues I hold. I have been a positive, optimistic person who always has been able to put his trust and faith in people (especially lovers and friends). That certainly did not come natural and it was a hard road to get there, but I have always been proud that I was able to transform my life. But now I sense that all slipping away.

In a sad way this weekend has just broken me down and been the proverbial hair on the camel's back. I just look at people now and question why I put my faith in them and how I always just end up finding out it was misplaced anyways. That is a very painful thing because I think in many ways that is just how people know me. That I am the one who is always there for them and positive and I would hate for that to change.

Nice guys do finish last... and funny enough normally those who try to convince me otherwise are all the people who are attracted to the bad guys the most. There really is no need to sugar-coat it and try to tell me otherwise especially if actions speak louder than words. I now recognize the big decision will be: Do I stay the good guy and finish last (or possibly never) or do I just give up and be the not so nice guy?

Well enough of all this for now. Time to get out and make sure I still have an apartment that is not on fire.