Ok so I think I just need to blog to get this out because right now it is really getting to me.
I miss it. I know I shouldn't miss a relationship, especially one where I found out some very questionable activity. But it is so hard. Today was supposed to be the end of the hardship. Our chance to make things better after his work schedule finally calmed down. I spent almost this entire month waiting for today. Waiting for things to get better and my faith to be restored in relationships. But we didn't even make it to this point.
Part of me is still waiting. I hear the secret prayers my breath whispers that this is all just some horrible mistake or dream. That little hopeful part of me just won't let a breath go praying for something positive to happen.
Now I do want to clear up that this isn't necessarily a "I want him back" prayer. It is a prayer that says I hope I can find another person who is worth my breath. Because to be honest, I don't normally get too attracted to people who are worth me. I have a serious problem "adopting" wounded animals instead of going after people who will also be good to be in return.
The hard part is just missing the companionship. I'm still working on making friends, but it always stinks when the main person you hang out with is suddenly just gone. And that is basically how my life has been for the last few months for one reason or another. He wasn't just the guy I was dating... he was the main friend I got to hang out with. And now when I get bored and long for someone to hang out with I realize that my list is quite bare.
So while I have been doing a good job at letting go of the relationship side, it is the friendship side that is the hardest to let go of. It is rare that I make friends with people who WANT to hang out with me. I normally have to be the person to start a conversation, come up with some plan to hang out, invite everyone, etc and it was nice to have a someone who contacted me and wanted to see me and hang out.
I suppose this just furthers the whole realizations on what I need and don't need in people in my life (both romantically and friendship-wise). I need to find people who are worth it, instead of following my trend and finding people who I think I can help and doing everything I can to convince myself that they are worth it.
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Let me preface my comment by saying that my personal beliefs will come through on this so you will have to bare with me.
I think you have hit on a major point of your situation but only in a round about way.
You are worthy and deserving of people in your life "who will also be good in return." There is something inside of you that believes that you should have to give more than the ones you are with. Explore that belief until you find its source. Once you can move through that the "wounded animals" will no longer be drawn to you and you will have fulfilling relationships.
Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now keep it up!
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