A long time over due...

Oh dear here is a third post in a short time... I hope that certainly doesn't become a habit.

But seeing as how it has oddly come up a few times I think it is time for me to write down a few things that have happened over the last 3-4 years. To make them permanent and solid. To let them out from the mess that muddies up my brain.

Sooo... a while back I met someone who I thought would be my savior from inevitable heartbreak (sure come to find out it wasn't so inevitable and it was all stupid miscommunication). Someone who was there to ignite a fire... ashame I wasn't aware of how far it would burn.

Being young and foolish I fell for it all... the glitz, the glamour, the promises. I ran away from something that was pretty damn good, ran all the way to the other side of the mountain where I swore the grass would be much more green. But alas, I was weak. Despite what everyone decided to tell me I couldn't mend the fact that my heart loved two people (although I could also write a whole great deal about what I think might have been happening), and I let that open the gates to a lot of pain. I swapped back and then back again keeping three souls in limbo... and ultimately all I did was scar all three of us.

Finally full of guilt (oh one of my severe weaknesses), I made a decision and decided I had to stick through with it through whatever. And I picked this new flame. Partially to spare the old from the disaster I had become and partially to not have to stare into eyes full of hurt and betrayal. A new beginning had promises that wounds would heal, or that if it ended the heartbreak would be more bearable.

Things seemed to be working... life was ok. I repented and did all I could to show that I could be a good boyfriend. And although he might not agree, I was damn good all things considered.

And stick it out we did... for close to three years we stayed together. In some ways I was too proud of the fact that we were able to turn such a rocky beginning into what I thought was a surviving relationship. Never did I notice what the relationship had turned into and more importantly who I had turned into.

Through those years, I guess you could say I was in a slightly domestically violent relationship. Now I don't necessarily blame my ex for it, because I really don't think it was intentional. But while there was no real violence, my life was completely altered in the relationship.

I was convinced to give up friends, change my behavior, mediate myself, and give up all my power. The very thing that had attracted him to me, became the food in which he devoured. It was and slightly still is incredibly embarrassing to admit that someone who had spent so long studying relationships, had become involved in one that was so destructive and not really notice it. So I kept things quiet... not realizing I still let it all consume me by bottling it up.

Empty... a shell... that is what I had become. Worthless and unlovable was what I had seen myself as. I was lucky to even have a boyfriend who would deal with me... at least that is what I allowed him to tell me until I believed it. I was too fat... too this... too that... never good enough for him. I strived to be a better person, to be a great boyfriend. I lovingly brought flowers, kisses, and random gifts to express the love I had. Never noticing I that I was the only one who truly brought warmth and love into the relationship.

In his defense, I don't truly think he ever got over the scars that happened when we started. And bottling it up for so long he didn't realize what he was doing in hope to protect himself from the pain he endured at the beginning. But at the same time I am not too sure if I do all that to find a way to continually blame myself for what happened. Sometimes I wonder if I try to make it my fault so I feel like I can learn to forgive myself instead of trying to forgive him for what all happened.

Well I think that pretty much sums up the majority of the last 3 years. So now that that relationship is over, it is time to rebuild a friend base, rebuild a life and remember who I was before.

And as a quick end... I would like to say that I am pleased to be able to say that the ex who I left in the beginning of this tale is doing well. And that perhaps I did the best thing I could in removing himself from the situation as his life has been good for him and now we have been able to begin to rekindle a friendship now that some of our scars have had a bit of time to heal.